Yesterday I decided to take the bull by the proverbial horns and finally get control of an eating disorder that has plagued me my whole life. There are no shortcuts. There is only a desire to gain control of my life.
I would need to start with forgiveness, of myself. To believe that I am worthy of an enjoyable life with people who love me, I first have to get to the place where I believe it also. I also agree that one forgives to the degree that one loves. That says something doesn’t it?
I have told countless people that they deserve better than they are letting themselves have. I always believe that others deserve the happiness that is right there waiting for them. Why do I stand in the shadows watching as the happiness skips on by me. The feeling of worthiness, if felt at all, is a remote hazy cloud that dances around me. It dares me to try to catch it but when I do, it slips through my fingers like I never possessed it at all.
It occurs to me that unforgiveness really is a sickness that slowly seeps into all areas of a life. It skews your perception of everything. I deserve no less favor than those to whom I offer unconditional forgiveness. I have forgiven the unthinkable on more than one occasion and yet I cannot extend myself the same courtesy. I can find no justification, or so I tell myself. After all to forget, I must let go of the life long penance that I am intent on paying.
God is telling me He has a better way and He will be there to make sure I get the job done.
There is but one place to start the forgiveness process. To ask God to help me choose to forgive myself.
God does not choose to forgive one person and not another, He forgives us all if we ask and believe in Jesus Christ. Can I do any less?
I believe it is a process and at least for awhile will be a daily struggle. It has become a comfortable place. I can always use my past to explain away the not so good parts of my “now”. That is a cop out, plain and simple.
I know that to forgive myself is to let go of the past baggage (weight issues) so that I can move closer to God.
To dwell on the perceived darkness of the past is diametrically opposed to dwelling on whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely and admirable.
Do I feel I am unworthy and unlovable because of extra pounds? Oh yes I do but that is simply emotional drivel and needs to be cast aside. Am I worthy of God’s love even overweight? Oh yes I am for He looks at the heart. Can I trust God enough to believe and count of this truth. With His help I can.
To live in unforgiveness, whether it is of yourself or others, is a prideful act that God does not condone.
Forgiving myself will change the direction of my life. It can change yours also. With your help Father, I am ready to move forward and find a positive difference that only you can make.
……….and so I ride